Why doesn't anyone else understand? This is the closest to death I’ve ever felt while living. With all of my knowledge and faith and wisdom I’m hopeless and helpless and wish death to make it stop. But of course I can’t die. I can just sit here and feel all of these overwhelming feelings and thoughts all at once that seem to come out of nowhere. I eventually make the thoughts, fears, and feelings go away but obviously they aren't dealt with because it keeps happening over and over again. What 4 or 5 year old thinks it would be better if they weren't here? Well I was one of them. So there…this is loneliness. 30 years of lonely. Lonely in the company of few or many, I've had both. I don’t want a pat on the back. I want to stop it for good! But reaching out just makes me feel like “shame on me for seeking comfort” because my everyday personality does not vibe with this broken girl with tears on her cheeks.
So I write. I put back on my “Big Girl” pants and fake it till I make it. I haven’t taken the time to write in a while. Maybe that’s why I’m in the place that I’m in now.
“Get up! Get Out!” Yelling those things to me in this state is like yelling to a person in a flood drowning “Just get out the water!”. You may be making all the sense in the world but the situation doesn’t allow it. My mind holds me to where I am just as the water holds one under. I feel just as suffocated but just as quickly as the feelings rush in they are gone. The tens of issues that I’m bearing that insist on my immediate attention don’t weight as much. What once felt like a mountain is back in perspective.
But wait enters Fear. Again. This time it’s not the fear of my problems with no immediate solution. Not the fear of my situation in the mist. It’s the fear it’s going to come back. The fear that it’s really not over. The fear I’ll be driving, in the store, at school and out of nowhere I'm in tears. It’s happened before. My most embarrassing moment was in a team huddle, minutes after the store opens I’m fleeing from the huddle locked in an office refusing to open the door. I had to call my mother and insist she come get me, but of course by the time she arrives I’m fine.
They are a lot of things in life we can’t control. The one thing I most want to control is my body. I’ve never fully been able to make my body do what my mind or will wants it to. I’ve never been able to live up, frankly near my potential. I don’t need an instructor to tell me that! I beat myself up enough; I don’t need the obvious shown to me. I try! I try really hard but there is only so much you can do when you don’t know how. Believe me if I could I would.
My intelligence has always been my hindrance. If I’m so smart then I should know how to do it. You hear it so much you believe it. What is the most used word in my vocabulary? Anyone’s guess… Can’t. I’ve been using it since I could speak. You get to a point that you say you can’t because you have felt embarrassed or let down so much you don’t want to try it.
I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through tomorrow, I barely made it through today. I just hope one day I can share myself with someone who not only understands but can help make it stop.
-Me
